Of wounded souls and scrambled minds

When my ex heard that my mom, my brother and, Alex's cousin had been here for almost a week, he laughed and remarked that then they'd have reason to make us happy twice, when they showed up and, when they left...

I laughed and called him a meany as usual, but the sad thing is that nothing has changed when it comes to this.

Everything is as usual, a double edge sword.

It seems as though the glu that holds everyone together is always going to be sprincled with the poison which breaks us apart.

I grew up believing that I had the power to make my stepfather angry and to break my mother's heart. I thought that I was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the people I loved great pain. I grew up believing that something was wrong with me because I was human. I wasn't making mistakes. I was in fact the mistake myself. I grew up believing that I had power over other peoples feelings and they had power over mine. That I should be able to read their minds and foresee their wishes. That I would get punished if I couldn't. That they would leave me and go away. This is a shame about being human that is being passed down from generation to generation in co-dependent families.

It has been passed down for eons in mine.

I am trying to learn not to take part in that game anymore, but navigating among wounded souls, broken hearts and scrambled minds is not an easy task. I was trained to be a victim. I was taught to give my power away.

I am not powerless anymore and, I am learning not to live by those rules of toxic shame. I have enough worth to stand up for myself even if people do go away. And some people will go away. It's a shame, but it's not my fault.

I am learning to set boundaries that let other people know that I deserve and demand respect. I also allow them to break those boundaries all the time, even though I'm wearing my armor when ever I'm around them.

And so I am keeping the relationship with my family to a minimum. Knowing well that their policy is still to unite against all others and, to make up stories about the ones who are not there to defend themselves. talking shit on everyone else seems to be the only thing which makes them feel like they only have each other to count on.

But I don't want to hear tales of who did what to whom, or who should have done what when, when life could turn around and take either one of us at any time.

Love, peace and light in my own little family, is in fact so much more important than that false sense of belonging.

And so that is both the thing that keeps me up at night, wondering if it wouldn't be much better to just begin afresh and leave them all behind, while also knowwing that we only have one go at this thing, so perhaps keeping the relationship to a minimum is still a better alternative than shutting them out completely.

It's just such a tragedy in itself that with such a big family that should e able to hold each other up and offer endless support when someone falls. We're instead surrounded by people who are caught in a pattern where one can't lift a finger to help someone else, without writing an expensive bill which demands eternal slavery in return and, which always includes a paragraph that gives them the right to elevate their own bad self esteem by feeding on yours.

The contract also has an unwritten rule which grants them the right to lecture you when ever they're having a shitty day, as well as giving them the right to say what ever they want about you to the rest of the world.

it's really getting tired. I don't know if I have the patience for it anymore.

That being said, it has also been a lot of fun to have them here. I just don't know if it's worth the bitter aftertaste.

The price for it all is that I'm sitting here, wondering what's being said about us now, considering all the things that we've been told about the others during this past week.

So yes, we were happy when they showed up...

And happy when they left...

And now I'm just sad...